Overwhelmed

I was going to write about all my worries, needles ripped from my power port then fresh ones stabbed back in, and whether they can plant a different needle in the same rensho spot at the side of my wrist after the perfect blood test prick there this morning, and the greatest worry and conundrum related to all this… can I go home this Saturday and will that betoken a return home next week as Y-sensei was hinting at? Does it all depend on those two cryptic, apparently contracting words.

Bigger.

Good.

The cavity was bigger. But it was good. Does the good refer to the cleanliness of the cavity. But the CT scan isn’t going to tell us if it’s pus in there are not, only the size. Fuck, that doesn’t seem good, that doesn’t seem good at all. But then why is he ordering it? He said bigger and then a couple days later he’s ordering a CT scan. What else can he possibly be looking for? Especially after bluntly saying I might be able to go home for a day. Maybe the emptiness of it is good, the emptiness of any matter, foul or otherwise. So bigger not so bad… is that the solution to the mystery?

Please let that be the solution to the mystery…

Ahh, worries powerful enough to peep though like a ray of darkness into your gloom of feeling overwhelmed. Was going to talk about the publishing industry here. Going the traditional route, I could easily die before the years it takes to get your novel repped by a proper editor and published by a proper publisher. And the self-publishing industry seems the scam it’s often been. Talks about keeping the source material on the trims, I mean that’s fucking scary. Then there's another place where you got to pay a yearly fee and for the ISBN numbers (and that's pretty fucking expensive). The self-publishing gig though, if medicine doesn’t advance my lifespan, if I am stuck with one to three, as in years, damn it I want to see a fucking published, even if self-published, volume of the Dark Backwards in my hands. Something I can show my wife.

Or is it the Cancer Diaries/The Dark Backwards because everyone loves a slash between two separate titles on their front cover. Think it’s two books. In a way…

To be honest that’s why I like it. You think it might be two separate books, the first thing you get is from the fantasy Dark Backwards before we get a real email which launches the Cancer Diaries. Because nothing sells better than confusion, right?

Hmmm…

The other tweak of title was going to be, wait for it, The Cancer Diaries: Into the Dark Backwards. I kind of hate it now. Because compromises are so artistically satisfying.

How about in Star Wars big: THE DARK BACKWARDS

And under it Book One: The Cancer Diaries.

Hell at least it starts with I and not IV. Does that mean, if I am lucky enough to do Book Two, it’ll just be in the Dark Backwards? 

A New Hope. The Empire Strikes Back. 

The Cancer Diaries... something something, okay I haven't decided on anything like a name yet.

But it is better. Maybe for Year Two I can rename the Cancer Diaries which I continue to blog while pulling it away from the narrative mechanics of the Dark Backwards, plunging deeper in towards that second title.

I like this. 

Book Two. Year Two. 

And that’s all I better think about it, before I bring about the shivers and start thinking about something really OVERWHELMING. 

Which also kind of equals negotiating the keyboard with this needle in the side o me wrist and the damn delete button on the right.

Later:

And now it is over and the wait for the verdict begins… 

Good: well there’s not much in there, so you can go home Saturday.

Bigger: the cavity is still too big so get ready for one more month of hospital stay. And get ready for stab Friday.

Oh Jaysus, I just can't take this anymore!

Pennydreadful: did somebody ring?