Straight fucking fear. The fear of the unknown that seems limited to three hammer options and I know how that worked out before. So it’s really unknown with one hammer option that seems to overshadow them all, a massive mallet of Damocles eclipsing all else, especially the sun of seeing past this moment. Man when it comes down…
So we’re going to stab your stomach with a horrible shot needle, followed by tubes and endless pushing and pulling because that’s what we always do. Welcome to your third hole. And your third bag. Which kind will this turn out to be?
And I’ll protest that another bag on my chest would be cruelty, and they’ll give me this daijoubu smile, with a lot of ah, this stupid patient and his silly worries acting out again in it, and say don’t worry about another bag, it’ll be a small hole or they’ll just use gauze or a small cup. Everything will be alright you’ll just have another hole. A smaller one or a prettier one so everything will be alright.
Later
So it seems it will be a minor drain. Still painful shit, but not so much. Yea? I know how this went down last time. Mostly waiting. Still that first poke.
Later, after Y sensei.
Internal medicine guy. It sounds so specialized and medical. He said something like aspirate the gall bladder? Going to go in with a needle first, pumping in local anesthetic as they continue towards the liver? Then comes the I don't want to call it this, but it feels like it, the wire. Probably a really slim tube? I don't know, I don't want to see it.
See? More poking and pulling. And for the rest of the day I don't get to eat.
Oh yeah, and my wife can't come today.
Loving how this day is shaping up...
Bitch bitch bitch, after a bit of unavoidable horror, you got nothing but time and nothing standing in your damn fingers' way. And when you conk out occasionally, from the hunger from the sleepiness, just pick yourself up, hold onto to any shred of good dreams you got out of it, and write the fuck out of today. Jake is waiting to get out of Oakwoods for a long time now.
Jesus, more god awful hurdles. Try to stay in the present, don't go into "what if" territory if you can help it. Try to take things as they come, this moment we are in is all we have. Wish I had more wisdom, can only share my ways of trying to cope with the not-knowing. Hopefully once this gall bladder shit gets sorted, you can catch a break! Sending light and love your way, always.
ReplyDeleteThanks for the light and love. Yeah I hope this gall bladder shit gets sorted out. Unfortunately trying to think what may happen falls under the what if category since there are so many unknowns in play. They all equal I don't know when the fuck I can get out of here. wow, it's better not to think of it or I really will drive myself crazy.
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