Gall

The Dark Backwards had an intimation before anyone else did. Re: 

“Motherfucker!” firing a rich globe of yellow light into the the waterfall. He didn’t know when he had waded into the stream. “Motherfucker motherfucker motherfucker mother—“

More foxfires from his gall followed, raging up, blistering brighter, disappearing into the blinding sheet without effect. 

Working his way through the Dark Backwards, Jake uses the old system began by great Greek and Roman surgeons such as Hippocrates and Galen as a schematic for converting his emotions into power. Gall was connected closely with anger, the planet Mars for Chrissakes, season summer, hot hot hot, and its specific humor or fluid was yellow bile. Boiling over, raging, what Jake needs at this moment to clear his mind, so drawing lines over his gall (without his even realizing it) he calls up his anger, his gall. 

It was like he was trying to warn me from way inside my novel, bless you Jake, but those foxfires of gall disappeared without effect. 

That would be me, not noticing a damn thing while today’s CT scan, the one that would decide between Bigger and Good, came up instead with Gall Bladder. Luckily it isn’t cancerous—fucking that should be the first thing they tell me.

Hello, cancer patient here, worried any changes, spots or shadows on CT scans equal more cancer. I really should set the scene first…

So my wife and I are getting ready for dinner and my chance to snack on some KFC as it is a little past six, feeding time. Then the curtain is drawn back there’s Y sensei. He talks about a spot or shadow on my gall bladder and talks about an abscess and maybe if I’m a medical person I know he’s not talking about cancer, but I’m not. I’m still thinking it could be cancerous so I have to stop him and ask. I don’t think he gives me a definite no, they don’t do definite here, but clearly Y sensei has gone beyond cancer and is worried about the immediate problem posed by the abscess. So I can breathe again, it’s not about cancer for now. It’s what do with this damn thing. It’s a problem that it doesn’t hurt or I’m not feverish because of it. It’s really okaashi or strange, and they do that Clumsy and Y sensei ritual of discontent murmuring. I feel I have to apologize for feeling no pain or fever. It makes it harder to find? I wasn’t sure about that part.

Bigger 

Good.

Gall.

Oh I’ve got gall alright.. This is why they don’t promise things, are purposefully vague: the human body isn’t clockwork. Unexpected things are going to pop up. Ping the wrong way. 

Be grateful it doesn’t seem to be cancerous. Oh I’m fucking fucking grateful for that. Imagine if my life was cut down to three months, three horrible painful months. Oh I am so fucking grateful for that and I pray to the indifferent Universe to let a little probability slide my way. 

Pray for patience and grace. Breathe deep, calm, try to reach that diaphragm which is where the gall bladder seems to hang around. 

Damn.

Okay, I wasn’t sure about the second part, the harder to find part, as they located it alright with the sonogram—it’s a gall!—and I seem to have a gall stone there, he did English that, though I did hear an ishi, yea for me. I worried would I have to pass it… no, I didn’t have to pass it and I didn’t have to worry about suddenly feeling any pain or fever. If I didn’t get them before, I wouldn’t be getting them now, he seemed to be saying. 

But…

Because my pain and discomfort isn’t really the issue, nor my cancer, they had to decide on what to do with it. Operate on it and take it out. Full anesthetic surgery. Puncture my stomach and drain it—not again and this time in my stomach. Or reduce it with antibiotics and such… medicine! 

My body hopes medicine, I hope medicine. Jesus, I don’t want to be punctured again. I'll take even full anesthetic surgery. Otherwise: A really painful shot into the belly, the long needle just sticking in and then a lot of shoving and pulling stuff in my stomach, face covered by a crinkly sheet, stuff gushing I see through the disco ball ball eyes of the alien disk they hang above me and it lasting for hours. Fuck I don’t want that, I fucking dread that. It’s the same fucking thing as two weeks ago, I’m going to have three fucking holes above my waist before I even get to my fucking head. Come on please, I am begging you. I am praying to you to whatever force is out there, please don’t let it be that. 

Two holes above the waist and below the head is enough, don’t you think? Below the ribs, in my side, and now one between the rib cage? All with bags attached to them? I am praying to you Universe, let things slip my way this time. 

You’re talking about karma because you deserve a break today. Why don’t you instead reach for those twin stars, grace and patience, and then you might be able to step out of the way and let the Universe do its work as it sees fit.

Scary.

Not if you have Grace and Patience. I know, I know! Reach up, man, then maybe you might be able to get out of the way of the Universe and let it do its work.

Breathe deep…