I solved

Friday and Saturday today. Whoops, we solved. My brother mother and I. On the recent front it was talking with my mom that led to the breakthrough. It was a lot of me throwing ideas at her, but that wasn’t all. She would keep asking me how does this advance his character, keeping me on track, is it intrinsic to the story or just an add on? She had me compare him to the original version, the one my brother is now doing in comic form and got the little quester out of the second. Oh it was great. With Saturday it was really all my brother. By the way, just to keep things straight, we’re talking about the second version of Friday and the first of Saturday. And for Saturday, man, there was no way I could up with what my brother did in a day. In day. Or I don't know, less? I had been working on it for months. Basic idea: a series of encounters that would force our heroes to work together to solve it. See, I thought I’d need some epic scale thing, like they were going in to fight the evil empire but that was all wrong. Instead it becomes a personal journey into greater and greater strangeness.

So anyway, all this means I’ve been super up, mind going like crazy all day, so yay, chance to worry about the crash. And I am worried, I’ll be honest with you. Hoping some work on the DB itself will tire myself out enough to at least feel sleepy. 

At least it’s given me something better to write about on the Diaries too. Otherwise my life here is contained in those little lozenges to the rhythm of the IV drip. Drip drip drip. Not a great beat, let me tell you. Oh yeah, it’s also punctuated by the screaming pain of those IV needles so they can get my drip drip drip party started. No no, the Dark Backwards is much better, if I can only stay in it for as long as possible. And if possible…

Complete it?

Damn it, I want to live so much. 

Today, not so much

I mean blood tests that took forever to get right, the news I wouldn’t be going home today, then to make everything perfect, another round of blood tests that took even longer. Whew. You know, the initial prick isn’t usually all that bad, but when they swirl that needle all around under your skin to find the vein, my feeling is closer to pain-pain-pain! And stop it. But the worst feeling is the hopelessness, like I’m never going to see that beautiful red sliding out of my body.

Fun fun fun.

I was also depressed for moments like these. I mean after my mom and wife and Francois have all gone home it’s night, the start of the night with hours of sleepless tossing and turning ahead of me. Today going to try to widdle them away a little with writing like this and my first foray in a long time into the Dark Backwards. I have an idea for a second draft to go with my brother’s comic version that’s makes me excited to live. And terrified at what I have to lose…

It was a good day

Though most of it involved me getting my head no higher up than my pillows. They’re big pillows, and lots if that helps. There was a nice dreamy haze I floated in and out of this afternoon.

Wish I could catch a ride on that dreamy haze now, though I did have some good ol knock out moments of sleep. Enough to nearly get me into 2:00.

Of course I’m talking about my outing home and coming back. “Outing home,” I like that. Since my outing home I’ve been wide awake. Always before sleepy-headed, barely went through a conversation with an eye open at max and everything was too hard to do. Ergo blog problems. I’m starting to come back now, it’s getting a little easier now.

In fact I feel down right healthy. Well, from the head up maybe. Still piss into a diaper, still can hardly use my legs, still with a persistent low grade fever. But it’s the feeling, that genki-healthy feeling.

Like I’m not going to die in another month.

How

Hard is it for me to write now? This is not a rhetorical question, I want to find out. Pretty much this latest surge of cancer has been clobbering the hell out of me and to do anything causes exhaustion. Too much concentration wears me out, but today I’ve been finding out that’s not the case at least with sitting up and talking. And now I’m writing again, easy stuff to be sure, not dredging the dark backwards of me own memories for details on my day and stuff, but—but I did this after after going through chrome and safari, usually enough to exhaust me on their own. So am I getting better? About three weeks into four weeks left to live and I’m getting better? My wife would say it’s the new supplements she’s giving me. Right now, I’m not going to disagree.

X-ray, bed

They brought an x-ray machine to my bed today. I didn’t even know such a thing was even possible. And what does it mean? Save me the trouble? Worried about all those tubes in me? Honestly don’t know.

That was not today, nor was yesterday… when I went home. I cant tell you the happiness even though I spent a good deal of my first night spitting up.  But in the end I was able to sleep in my bed. I want to die in that bed, some twenty years later at least. 

sorry

Haven’t written much lately, I’m sorry for that. It’s actually pretty hard: fevers, hiccups, bad typing…. Also to be honest, I don’t have the same energy I did last time I was here. Everything feels too overwhelming to do. But still, a case could be made for not trying hard enough, ergo the sorry. See if I can do better?

water

Is nearly the sum total of my cravings. Oh how I want more and more, cold cold water, straight out of the fridge.

Oh yeah, I also want to go home. But water, pretty damn immediate that craving. But I would onlylimit myself to a few gulps an hour. Hmm, seems like a good time for one now… oh that was good.